What You Really See
by Jaya
Summary: Some one is unhappy with their life.


Title: What you really see.  
Author: Jaya  
Distribution: ask and I will let you...maybe  
Rating: G   
Disclaimer: No one in BtVS belongs to me. Dog New Tricks belongs to Garbage.  
Feedback: is the foundation of my universe. At: jacey111@yahoo.com or   
rainbows@purpleturtle.com  
Summary: Some one is unhappy with their life.   
Note: I know, it's tiny, but my muse made me write it. Comments PLEASE!  
My first BtVS fic ever. If you've ever read anything by me before, you'll   
know I write a lot like this...character stuff.  
  
***************************  
What you really see (1/1)  
***************************  
  
When you wake up in the morning, will you see me?   
  
Know me?   
  
Understand. Me?  
  
Or will you be like everyone else in my life has ever been. Comfortable to   
relegate me to a small corner of their mind, ignore everything else I do.  
  
I could strip naked, and none of you, not even my best friend would care.  
  
Not even my significant other.  
  
It hurts you know, knowing what you are, but also knowing that you can never  
share that something with anyone else.  
  
Lest they hurt me again and again.  
  
If they knew....lets just say I'd be alone in the world, friends wise anyway.  
Everyone would have me, and fear me.  
  
Not even my absent family would stand by me, if they knew.  
  
Remember my doppleganger? They were just the other side of me, the other side  
of the same coin. Both different and at the same time identical.  
  
If I ever act out of character it is always possession.  
  
Or a disease or sickness.  
  
Or something like that.  
  
Nothing so simple as being the real me.  
  
It is impossible for me to change in their eyes.  
  
I can't be confident, I can't be anything but happy go lucky or they have no  
time for me.  
  
And they can make me feel so worthless.  
  
So useless.  
  
I can't be different because *everyone* knows you can't teach an old dog new   
tricks.  
  
And that's what they rely on me to be.  
  
The Moron.  
  
The Clown.  
  
The Smart ass.  
  
In other words the exact replica of me when we first met Buffy.   
  
Ahh, when we first met Buffy.   
  
The one known as the Slayer. In every generation, blah, blah blah.  
  
Now that was certainly a turning point. For better or worse I have   
absolutely no idea.  
  
I remember when Jesse was alive, He and I used to talk for hours about   
anything and everything possible. It was the best.  
  
Then the vampires took him away from me.  
  
What is so great about vampires anyway? I mean sure most of them are   
inherently cool, and have great houses and cars. But what is with the lure   
they present to humans?  
  
Do we all wish to show our dark sides to the world, to reveal the true person  
under all the walls of lies constructed around for protection?  
  
I don't understand that at all.  
  
Well maybe I want to show mine, but I don't know about other people.  
  
I know I'm not a party animal, that I have barely ever dated anyone, and all  
my relationships are usually failures of huge proportions....but can't I be   
different?  
  
Take the path less travelled and all that.  
  
We've been helping Buffy for what? Five years or so now? And when was the   
last time she thanked any one of us.   
  
ANY?  
  
EVER?  
  
I know this is sudden, but, occasionally Spike...yes SPIKE of all people   
will come out with something that seems important. Scratch that. IS important  
and profound. Like what do we actually do when we "help" Buffy.  
  
When she said she didn't need us that one time...it hurt, you know. Inside of  
me something died.  
  
When she's hurt she lashes out at us, and I wonder sometimes how long it will  
take for us to get sick of her, and not let her apologise again.  
  
Only to hurt us, again.  
  
Sometimes I feel really good about myself, and others... others I just feel   
like the biggest fake and phony that ever stumbled across the planets face.  
  
And even though I have stuff going for me, like my first real steady   
relationship going on now, nothing is filling this void inside of me that was  
created a long time ago now.  
  
Day by day it just seems to grow larger and larger, and I just don't know  
what I'm supposed to do.  
  
Where am I going really, I mean I know I SAY I have a path, that I know where  
I'm going and stuff, but no one can understand it's all bravado.  
  
That I don't know, I've never known, and all I know is I don't want to be   
someone like any of my friends parents. Like my parents. Always to busy for   
their own kids. Or kind of vague like Buffy's Mum.  
  
I love all my friends dearly, but none of them understand that they are all   
victims of what I like to call the Sunnydale denial syndrome or SDS.  
  
In theory I suppose I could leave and start over.  
  
But where does one go when you do that?   
  
To a small town? To a large city like Los Angeles?  
  
Overseas even?  
  
Perhaps.  
  
If my friends found out though, they'd try to stop me. Every single one.  
  
Know what? I'm a fool, a stupid sentimental young fool.  
  
Who is living on borrowed time.  
  
Vamp Willow told me that you know, told me exactly how I would have died and  
been "reborn" had Buffy not come to Sunnydale.  
  
Some nights I just wish she had not.  
  
Buffy that is, not Vamp Willow.  
  
Life is but a walking shadow. A poor player who struts and frets his hour   
upon the stage, and then is heard no more. That's Shakespeare you know, from  
Macbeth. We studied it one year in school.  
  
No one knows of my secret passion for acting. They'd probably laugh as I've   
never had the courage to go to a class for it.  
  
I suppose that this is all I have left to say, so now, for the moment at   
least, it is time to turn off the lights.  
  
Thanks for listening to me.  
  
A person that rarely surfaces in this damned town.  
  
Just me.  
  
Yeah, it's just Xander.  
  
Farewell,  
  
*  
  
I wish I had not woke up today  
Everyone mistakes the things you say  
Take the simple truth and  
Twist it all around  
Make it sound important  
Make it seem profound  
  
Dog new tricks  
Nothing you learn will stick  
Dog new tricks  
You make me feel so worthless  
  
Everyone I know has gone away  
Died or left or just forgot to stay  
Sometimes took for granted  
Sometimes turned away  
Sometimes didn't say   
what I meant to say  
  
Dog new tricks  
Nothing you learn will stick  
Dog new tricks  
You make me feel so worthless  
  
I never would have pegged you  
For what you have become  
Everyone lies, everyone cheats  
Not like you've done  
  
Dog new tricks  
Nothing you learned will stick  
Dog new tricks  
You make me feel so worthless  
Dog new tricks  
Nothing you learned will stick  
Dog new tricks  
You make me feel so worthless  
Nothing you learn..  
  
****************************************************************************  
Did you know it was Xander? I tried to blur it and make it seem to be  
possibly by Willow. Did I succeed? It's my first Buffy fic, so mail me please  
be as constructive as possible, cause as I said this is my only Buffy fic at  
this time.  
  
Bye.  
Jaya.  
  
***  
  
"But since she came back she's been acting like a B-I-T-C-H"  
"Willow, I think you're a bit to old to be spelling things out."  
"A Bit-Ka? What's a Bit-Ka?"  
  
--Willow, Giles, Xander S2 BtVS...When she was bad. 


End file.
